What doesn't kill you will either make or mar you.

We generally say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but I think it is more accurate to say, "what doesn't kill you will either make or mar you".

I had been having this inner battle comparing my life now with what I wished it were. God has put me in a position to serve which takes a lot from me. Constantly putting my feelings aside and putting others first isn’t easy. I have not been having enough time for myself. I procrastinate more often than before because I either have to go for a training or I'm just too tired. Also, I have not been able to do those activities I derive pleasure from. Activities such as watching movies at home or at the cinemas, attending weddings and other social events, visiting friends, social networking, reading and so forth. Even writing has been a challenge. My book of to-dos is so full with unaccomplished tasks that sometimes I get scared to peruse it so I don't feel sad, and I still keep adding. Worse is, it affected my feeding habit and ultimately my health.

Eating to me used to be something I did whenever I felt like. I had no timetable or routine. I ate anything I liked whenever I liked. I could take chocolates with a drink first thing in the morning. I hardly felt hungry and ate in small quantities. Three slices of bread with butter and a small cup of tea could be enough for me from 9am to 4pm, then at 4pm a few tablespoons of rice would do. While at night, a little cup of tea would be enough to satisfy me.

This got worse when work got involved. I got so engrossed in serving others that I paid little attention to my appetite. The consequence of this was I ate less frequently and in smaller quantities because by the time I was ready to eat, I would be so tired that I would not have the strength to eat much. Fatigue always took over my appetite.

At the end of the day, I would feel like someone who carried kponkpon and during the weekend I would feel extremely drained. It got to a point I thought I was losing it. I became overly sensitive. I didn’t feel appreciated anymore and it deteriorated to a point that it showed in my apperance and attitude. I stopped dressing as flashy as I used to. I stopped making up altogether and there was even a period I did not make my hair for about four weeks. That was my way of rebelling. I had this attitude of ‘you wanna have me, take all of me, in short, kill me!’ When asked why I didn’t use make up, I would harshly reply ‘will you people allow me? Do you care?’ I became blind to God's blessings and the great opportunities that came my way. I even met the likes of John Dumelo, Ara, the famous sango actor and didn't recognise them.

Back to my feeding habit, I continued in the same pattern as aforementioned till it almost cost me my life because I was giving out more energy than I was taking in. Click this link for the story http://frediliadtruthuncensored.blogspot.com/2012/10/i-am-way-too-vip-to-be-rip.html  
I vividly remember the doctor’s stern warning when he discovered my PVC was low as he advised me to increase my food intake and never miss a meal. The doctor’s wife (the nurse) also advised me like an old friend. She told me encouraging personal stories (that touched me) of her struggles in becoming a successful and fulfilled nurse (even though it was not what she wanted to become initially) and how the struggle still continues.

After this encounter, like an epiphany, I realised that I  had the wrong attitude and approach to the phase I was passing through. Instead of asking God to open my eyes to His will and asking for the grace to fulfill His will, I was busy giving myself unnecessary headaches by asking questions whose answers I probably would not fully comprehend. I was acting like Ezra in the bible when he was asking God why Isreal had to suffer or like the Isrealites in the wilderness complaining to God and Moses whenever they faced any challenge instead trusting God to take control.

I have come to realise that my complaining and rebellious attitude only made things worse. It made me waste useful energy on unhealthy and unproductive thoughts. Now whether I am hungry or not, or whether I have urgent work to do, I must eat when it is time. Sometimes while eating I breathe heavily in my effort to finish up my food when I feel full. At that moment, eating is not pleasure but more or less a punishment.  However, since it is for the best, I bear it with all pleasure.

As I write, I am a transformed being and I see life with a whole new pair of glasses. Serving others is the most fulfilling task in the entire universe; it doesn't matter how you do it. As long as you are making others happy or solving problems, you are doing a great job.

The encounter/phase is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It didn’t kill me (not my ghost blogging), it almost marred me but didn’t, so I believe (by the special grace of God) I AM MADE. 





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